SATIRE NOTICE: This article is satire, none of the events, technology, or persons in the article exist. It is written to make a point using humor.
As many of you know, EMRADM seeks to hold developers accountable for unethical behavior and business practices. There is an expectation that promises are fulfilled when residents move into their neighborhood. In this case, there have been multiple representations by EagleBuild67, including concept plans referencing a Hidden Valley Ranch factory, and the recreation pond that were distributed without any intention of carrying out such plans.When questioned on whether there was ever intent to execute the concept plan, Bob Rigotta, of EagleBuild67 told Cedar Valley Sentinel (formerly i84005), “Absolutely! No question. I talked to my cousin’s fiance, who works in accounting at Kroft. She liked the idea and was fully supportive, and thought Kroft might even be interested in relocating. To the concept plans, they are just that…conceptual…which means they are subject to change. In this instance, the factory didn’t pan out and the pond was invariably tied to that project. Nevertheless, residents can rest assured that some amenity will still be forthcoming, though it will no longer be the recreation pond. It may be a couple of trees or some sod, but I think it will be a really nice addition to the development.”
Boingo noted the statement was par for the course for Rigotta, commenting that the plan had changed multiple times, each iteration offering less by way of amenities. “It started with the premise of hundreds of factory jobs, a fountain of Ranch dressing leading to a recreation pond, and slowly that has been whittled down to what we have now…nothing. We were promised creamy buttermilk dressing, instead we got a creamy bowl of lies. There are no amenities, and hundreds of homeowners are deep in the construction process. And come to find out, Kroft Foods was never even involved. This is blatant misrepresentation by EagleBuild67, and we responded by reaching out to Kroft, in hopes they would make some of this right by insisting the developer doesn’t continue to sully their name.” In response to the complaint campaign, Guillermo Caspian, CEO of Kroft Foods, Inc. issued the following statement in response:“We were promised creamy buttermilk dressing, instead we got a creamy bowl of lies.”
Kroft Foods, Inc. is disheartened to hear its company was used in an attempt to sell homes. It does not, and has never, had plans to build a Hidden Valley Ranch factory, nor a recreation pond, nor does it have any involvement with EagleBuild67, LLC. We apologize for any hardships that may have been caused by these rumors and assure you Kroft Foods, Inc., will continue to serve its customers with honesty and integrity.Rigotta admits Kroft Foods has served EagleBuild67, LLC with a cease and desist letter, to which they will comply. The EMRADM, while understanding of Kroft Foods, aren’t reassured. “This is a wholly unfortunate situation for residents and Kroft alike,” Boingo said, “We’re all victims here, and apart from a class-action lawsuit, which I doubt will amount to much, I don’t see much of a remedy. Meanwhile, we have residents with boat and jetski payments, myself included, who now have no avenue for using them. This was a done deal per the promises made by Rigotta. Boingo has recently listed his boat, christened the Buttermilk Dreams on the Cedar Valley Sentinel (formerly i84005) Classifieds.
Ugh! Please stop with these fake articles. I want to know real news going about my city and the community and not waste time on this. I wish I never clicked on the link.
Joel, I am sorry you feel that way. Do you have any suggestions on articles you would like to have us post? We do one satire article a month, and it usually goes out on the 1st of the month. We are also always looking for writers as well as ideas, so let us know if you would like to be an author or have news ideas.
I have an idea, leave these type of articles to the first of only one month of the year… Nothing really funny here just a nonsensical collection of paronomasia meant to elicit clicks…
This scared me for a moment! I thought all of this was real! Phew! I like the author’s bio 😉