Governor Herbert Establishes “Common Sense” Mask Re-Education Center

UTAH – On the heels of his late-night emergency alert Sunday evening, in a historic and brave move Monday morning, Utah Governor Gary Herbert announced the establishment of a COVID-19 re-education center to address the Coronavirus. “We needed a common-sense solution to combat this virus,” Herbert said while sipping a virgin margarita at a private social gathering of 47 people at his estate, “and the scientific data is clear. It’s a consensus. While we want people to govern themselves, if they don’t do precisely what the government wants, they will need to be re-educated until they choose to do the right thing and comply.” The education center will be located at the South Towne Expo Center and will begin enrollments this week. I84005 reached out to alleged President-Elect Biden regarding the program. Biden responded with “I support the Governor. It’s important frgooferfluffen and to be able to corbnstorfrgeecher.” Herbert also established an elite force of volunteers he’s calling “Brown Masks” who will help locate individuals who refuse to wear masks or take COVID-19 seriously enough, and escort them to the re-education center, enroll them, and provide them with an armband for identification. “I’m hopeful for this program. Our volunteer coordinator, Ernie Rohm, is a consummate professional and will execute this program with precision.” Herbert said. “I’m certain he will do a great job.” Rohm said, “I’m incredibly excited to get started on the re-education of anti-maskers. We’ve been working for months to implement this, and it’s going to be a very effective program. The first step is Grandma Manipulation Therapy, where we place individuals in front of a panel of Joe Biden supporters and their grandmothers and accuse the anti-maskers of being selfish for trying to kill the grandmas. If they attempt to assert that they have liberties and freedom and are Latter-Day-Saints, they will be bussed to the Church’s Church Office Building in downtown Salt Lake for immediate ex-communication. Those who are not members of the Church will be escorted to mask chambers, where a mask will be forcibly placed upon them. “We’re incredibly understanding,” Rohm said, “But these fascists who say they just want to be left alone are a threat to society. One of them even had the gall to say Herbert was a dictator and I was a member of the SA. That’s laughable, everybody knows that only Trump can be a dictator.” Herbert also added that Gail Miller, Billionaire Utah Philanthropist is funding and working on a companion program for K-12 schools. Miller, who was also at Herbert’s gathering, said “We can’t trust parents to make sure their children have the correct information. It’s up to the state to make sure it happens. After all, it takes a village.”